Monday, October 15, 2018

Missing Amma

When I was a child, my job before every festival was to wash and clean our little puja shelf. I loved that task; it was just like playing with dolls, but with the added sense of being virtuous. Moving all the idols and paraphernalia out, washing them, washing the shelf, and placing everything back was fun!

And then I went off to college and no longer came back in time for every festival. I grew to adulthood and questioned the concept of religion and rituals. Amma never said anything, but continued to do the rituals on her own.

Today, after decades, I sat down to clean out all her gods, and wonder why I did not do such a simple task for her. There were reasons of course, and some even sound valid. I would come for a small number of days, and focus on the 'important' things- cleaning out the fridge, checking the groceries and medicines, cleaning the cupboards. In the last few years, she probably did not even trust me to treat her gods with the proper reverence. But it was such a small thing..

Amma passed away yesterday. I am cleaning out her puja corner because in ten days, our relatives will come to do the 12th day rituals and I do not want anyone to comment on the state of things. I should have done it earlier for the better motivation of pleasing her. There are far too many such opportunities I missed.

She was generous as usual even towards the end. Just two days before she passed away, she gave my sister and I the gift of a tender, love filled goodbye. As we sat on either side of her hospital bed, she talked to us.
"Please don't mind if I leave now. I am tired and want to sleep."
"Thank you for everything."
"Give me a kiss"

She made it very clear to us that we were completely loved and completely forgiven. That she was ready to go. That she was not afraid any more. After that night, she never really spoke again. That was our goodbye.

I know that at the end, she was not disappointed or angry with us. She gave us that one last gift, more precious than all the other things she had given us. And yet, I am sitting here and crying wishing I had cleaned those idols, been more respectful towards the things that mattered to her.

Here we are, our little family of three