Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Gearing up..

0850 am.

I should be rushing around the house in heels straightening things, giving lunch the last finishing touches, thinking of the work I need to finish today.

Instead. Mian is away for the day and  I am in my home-alone pjs trying to make a coherent post of rambling thoughts. The plants are wilting, the house is in disarray, and I am afraid to know what the mess of things I threw into the pressure cooker has turned into. And yes, I had lemon curd and bread for breakfast. Without using a plate or anything to catch the crumbs. In bed. Specifically, in Mian's side of the bed. Where I am still lying in a tangled heap of blankets and cables and from where I don't want to move because I will then have to confront the rest of the day. Work is a little less than inspiring these days. Largely because I need to put on my managerial cap and seek funding, and I have already searched the sources I could think of only to come up empty.

But let's not fool ourselves.

The real reason I am grumpy, of course is that soon I move into the 'single woman' part of my year. Don't get me wrong. I like this setup where both Mian and I try our damnedest to fit as much as possible into each 365-day cycle. I like how we put extra effort and creativity into maintaining a living connection through google, and skype, and bhartiya daak. And I like how this together-apart cycle helps me appreciate both the joys of having a space of my own and of living in a happy bubble with Mian.

But I am so used to him now..

The idea that maybe I actually won't have time to make stuffed brinjal for him is making me grumpy. The realization that I have let a great many full-moons rise and set without having that moonlit picnic I have wanted for nearly a year and now there wont be any more opportunities for the next six months is making me even more grumpy. And when I get grumpy, I sulk and snap. And when I sulk and snap, I regret it. And when I get regretful, I get grumpy..

I think I will just go back to bed now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

...and he is used to you.

we have been reading your struggles with the Marriage Act etc here.
your love gave you the strength to do whatever it took to be together forever- now, it will give you the strength to stay apart for a short time.

no going back to bed.
there are those people and those rivers waiting for you to do something.